The Holy Text of the Clank Gospel according to St. Aviastar of Buckingshirehamshirehamshire England, Atlantic Ocean, Right hand up a bit.And on the eighth day (when he had rested and was feeling, frankly, rather on the ball) God created the Breitling Datora and the Jaeger Reverso, and lo, as was foretold a miracle didst happen, for he created the Aviastar.
The Aviastar doth tick-tock well, was not prone to clanging and being seen by low flying P51s, and God saw that it was good. Not known for his modesty, the lord looked upon his timepiece and was rather chuffed, to say the least.
So pleased was the Lord with his creation that he considered, for a while, uncreating the sundial which he had created the week before and adorned with a serpent strap. The Aviastar had rendered the sundial with the serpent strap useless and those who wore the sundial with the serpent strap had already become pious and uninteresting but God relented and allowed the sundial to remain.
For generations man used the Aviastar created by the lord and found that it doth tick-tock well, was not prone to clanging and being seen by low flying P51s, and man worshipped the Lord for his creation.
There lived in the fiery pits of Hades the evil lord Beelzebub and on a visit to the earth he looked upon the lord’s creation and was envious of the way man worshipped the lord for the way his timepiece doth tick-tock well, was not prone to clanging and being seen by low flying P51s.
And sensing that the time was right Beelzebub decided that he would lead man away from the way of the Lord and his creation.
Beelzebub appeared unto man and did take his own UTC and diamond studded, metallic tail, which he gave to man and did say: Here is a new kind of timepiece that is called the 1990 Chronomat and it doth tick-tock well (although he did not mention that it doth tick-tock no better than the lord’s timepiece and was prone to clanging and being seen by low flying P51s.
Man, being stupid, did look upon the new time-piece and did think that it was good, even though it tick-tocked no better than the lord’s time-piece and was prone to clanging and being seen by low flying P51s.
Beelzebub was pleased and, being on a bit of a roll, did then take the metallic scaley warts from his body and did give it unto man and did say here is something that is called the chronomat crown and bezel that you may walk 1200 metres down on the sea-bed of the lord's kingdom, making the sound of the clang, wearing only the devil's timepiece. And Beelzebub didst give man a UTC so that man may tell the time without moving his wrist. Beelzebub didst also give man the Emergency beacon so that whenever man was lost in a grocery store, he mightst call the coast-guard. Man, being stupid, did look also upon the chronomat crown, bezel, UTC and beacon, and did think that it was good.
Meanwhile the Lord did return from his post-creation holidays and did look upon the earth and did see that many men (who were stupid) had forsaken the lords time-piece even though it tick-tocked well and was not prone to clanging and being seen by low flying P51s, for the devils time-piece. The Lord was displeased and did call the chronomat time-piece gay (In the same way that he did call gay the men he had made who did covet the bottoms of other men, especially as he had gone to so much trouble to invent girls, with nice round bits and that).
The Lord did then notice that some men had adorned their timepieces with rubber straps and did call that Gay too. The Lord did then call the UTC that other men had fitted to their timepieces, gay. The Lord did also notice that some men had adorned their timepieces with diamonds so to appear as necklaces and bracelets, in the hope of attracting men who did not covet the bottoms of other men, and did call them gay too.
The lord didst create only a smaller number of those men that didst covet the bottoms of other men and he forbade those men that didst covet the bottoms of other men to wear the Devil's timepiece, lest they stop coveting the bottoms of other men, and become ungay. And lo, he forbade the other men he had created ungay to wear the devil's timepiece shouldst they start to walk like a girl.
And so did the Lord eventually tire of calling things gay and so did create the inter-web and with it BreitlingSource so that it may continue, on his behalf, to preach the Gospel of the clang and of the Lord’s time-piece that tick-tocks well and is not prone to clanging and being seen by low flying P51s.
And the Lord did say unto the admin of BreitlingSource: ‘I leave thee with the Holy Clang-o-meter and Holy Walt-o-meter, and this Holy scripture so thou shalt preach the word of the Aviastar, that tick-tocks well and is not prone to clanging and being seen by low flying P51s, and thou shalt, on behalf of the Lord, call things gay and all things that thou shalt call gay shall be gay and so it shall be.
And so it was, the ClangMessiah was commanded by the lord to Climb to the highest tower of the Castle of Clank and the lord gaveth him the Holy Clang-o-meter and the Holy Walt-o-meter, and the lord gave the ClangMessiah Holy scriptures on a tablet that took the form of an Aviastar Havana dial:
Lo behold for here is the light...
The lord boomed down from on high (and sounded remarkably like Charlton Heston) the 10 commandments of the clank Gospel.
1. Thou shalt not blaspheme with word of the devil's timepiece or the word bracelet.
2. Thou shalt not commit diamonds to the lord's timepiece.
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours Aviastar or 1945 Datora.
4. Thou shalt not display obscene timepieces in public.
5. Thou shalt not be a 'Walt'
6. Thou shalt not wear a UTC
7. Thou shalt not pour scorn on those that are straight, this can be as the lord Created by unstrapping the devil's timepiece.
8. Thou shalt not pour scorn on those that are gay, this can be as the lord Created by unstrapping the devil's timepiece.
9. Thou shalt not bear false witness, a Chronomat be gay and so it shall be.
10. Thou shalt not have a rubber strap lest you go 'both' ways.
The the lord didst go back on holiday. (someone told him Hawaii was nice) And lo, man didst go forth and multiply the Aviastar.
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